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Things Grooms to be are Tired of Hearing

 

You finally plucked up the courage (even risking getting physically stuck after getting down on your dodgy knee) to ask the lady in your life to be your beautiful bride. ‘Will you marry me?’ perhaps the hardest words a man will ever have to say (that and ‘I do’).  

You’ve watched countless videos of the best proposal to get ideas to make the moment special for your intended. And now the time has come to propose to your girlfriend.

The sweaty palms before asking, stage fright the night before and day of the proposal, the shaky voice when asking, and that longing wait for a yes! But you got through it and its over and done with now, it went amazingly well – Kate’s eyes all welling up and her nearly throttling you with hugs of happiness! You were well chuffed, and still are – you can’t wait for the big day. Family’s been told and it’s even been made official on Facebook. But no-one prepares you for everyone around you turning into interfering know-it-all’s - don’t you just wish people would keep their noses out?! Well we know exactly what you’re going through and can bring you some comfort with our things that Grooms to be are tired of hearing…

At Your Mum’s House

‘Not long now before children come along’

Ah yes, assuming you know the path my life is about to take and when. Yes, I am ready to get married – no this does not mean my wife and I (queue cheering!) shall be getting out the ovulation charts and reading up on the best sex positions for conception on our wedding night...  I can feel my little men squirming at the thought.

‘You are inviting Auntie Joan aren’t you?’

The wedding table plan has taken what feels like years to put together. Kate’s words - “Jenny simply CANNOT sit next to or be in sight line of Amy – I don’t want the drama” and “I’m not having your creepy uncle Chris anywhere near my female relatives, you know how he gets touchy feely after a few glasses of Merlot!”. The last thing I need is to add someone else to the guest list – I haven’t seen Auntie Joan since I was 7 Mum, and all I can remember of her is the smell of lavender and a rather hairy top lip - so no, she’s not invited.

‘Don’t you think you should go for something more traditional?’

When your parents got married, it was the 70’s – you would think free spirited and crying for individual tastes. But it was deathly traditional and very ‘proper’. Everything ran as expected – causing many guests to nod off or hide their tasteless prawn cocktail in a flower pot. You try and express that modern weddings are seeking to be more unique – spider man peering out the back of the cake will be awesome, sausage and mash is a genius culinary choice, and there most certainly will be a photo booth with props! You’ll leave Kate to explain why she’s having so many bridesmaids but not including your sister.

At Work

‘How did you propose?’

This, is to be expected, of course! And I suppose we would be a little gutted if this wasn’t asked after all the planning it took – not to mention the saving, the asking around of friends and secretly logging into Kates Pinterest account for her idea of dream proposal scenarios. It was romantic, and perfect – but you just can’t tell the story like she does (she has most definitely rehearsed telling people) and Kate’s told you the little details are important – like what colour nail varnish she had on at the time!? Though I’m sure Jane from accounts would agree with her – maybe just pass on your fiancée’s number and they can have a good old natter about it. 

‘Bet you’re dreading the best man’s speech’

Yes. Yes I am. So I would rather not bring this up again. If he mentions the fishing trip from 2006 or our first lads holiday to Benidorm I think I’ll wish the ground to open up and swallow me right there. He wouldn’t…surely? Matt has promised me he won’t talk about ex-girlfriends, that thing I told him in confidence about Kate’s bellybutton or my run in with a Miss Tiara Thunderpussy during Dan’s stag night. What are those pictures he’s getting blown up too!  So much anxiousness, I’m going to need to pack my hipflask filled with something extra strong for that part. 

‘Can’t wait for the wedding mate, going to be awesome’

Hmm. It will. Whether you will experience it however, is another matter. Truth is, you’re not invited. You’re in the sin bin with Auntie Joan. Not for the excessive facial hair, but for either being an absolute douchebag at work – or for your over indulgence in ‘free’ food and drink. It made you smooch last year’s intern at the office Christmas party – I would have to keep my sister under lock and key and keep a close eye on my female cousins. No. Just no.

Round your mates

‘Is she knocked up?’

Brilliant. Original. No, this is not the early 1900’s so marriage is not an answer for those who wish to get to know each other carnally – or a solution for those to cover up a naughty 'mistake’. Also – Kate doesn’t want to look ‘huge’ in her wedding dress and I think the extra hormones would throw us both over the edge when it comes to wedding planning. There’s this amazing thing called contraception and plenty of time for sprogs mate.

‘Really? One woman for the rest of your life?’

OK. So this one I admit I may be guilty of thinking when Dan announced he was engaged. But, his missus is a fair 5 whereas Kate is a solid 9 and a half. Saying that, I love Nandos, but if it was the only thing I got to eat for the rest of my life I think I may grow to resent it. No! What am I saying, I would never think that of the cheeky chicken – and true of my Kate too. Plus there’s all sorts of saucy ideas you can try to spice things up nowadays.

‘Congratulations and all that - When’s the stag do?’

Try and be genuinely happy for my upcoming nuptials, for a good minute at least. Get a few other questions in before this one. Partly because it’s now MY stag do – thus a mind filled with absolute dread at what pranks and plans are in store for me, along with overwhelming guilt for all the ‘great ideas’ I had on your stag do’s in the past. Shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

It was hilarious though.

And no I don’t have Miss Thunderpussy’s number anymore.

If you are thinking about your stag do however, put forward some of great ideas from our website!

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